The Bad and the Beautiful and Kirk Douglas

The 83rd Annual Academy Awards was supposed to be for the pretty kids. The veteran comic talents of Alec Baldwin and Whoopi Goldberg were largely abandoned, to be replaced by the manic-depressive double act of Shining Sexy Movie Stars Anne Hathaway and James Franco.

Look what I can do!

And Anne and James were reliably childlike. She couldn't stop twirling, giggling, smiling, and playing designer dress-up like an overly-agreeable live mannequin. He was mostly concerned with his too-cool-to-care image, which he maintained via his twitter (and his mother and grandmother's twitters), his "I'm hosting the Oscars" backstage documentary, and occasionally, the actual on stage duties of hosting the Oscars ("Congratulations, nerds," he quipped after the technical awards recap). The New York Times described it as Debbie Reynolds hosting with James Dean. Perhaps. But they at least would have made it work, instead of making it look like work.

Thankfully, when the beautiful are bad, the aged get assertive. Enter the Quintet of Oldies who stole the Oscars, after the JUMP!

Aaron Sorkin Wins...Gives Film Spork Staff Hope

I am honored to announce that THE Aaron Sorkin won a bald golden guy statue thing. As none-of-you know he graduated from the same university as our staff at Film Spork. It sorta gives us hope that maybe we can survive long enough on our crappy restaurant income to make/write a movie that means something. Sorkin if you are reading this, please give us jobs, Syracuse University was expensive! Seriously, I'm hungry.

Melissa Leo Wins...

Melissa Leo wins the Best Supporting Actress Oscar! It was probably the support from Film Spork that gave her that extra edge. We like her even better in real life because she swears and steals Kirk Douglas' cane when she walks off stage.

The Oscars so far so good.

So far so good. Anne Hathaway is f-ing killing it. James Franco should have bought better weed. Oh Tom Hanks is coming on right now!

It's Sporklie Time! (Un-American Edition)

Alright, it's time to hand out another mildly highly sought-after Sporklie. This time, let's show some love for those poor, poor films that aren't fortunate enough to have the opportunity to work with Michael Bay, be funded by the Weinstein Brothers, or utilize the undervalued Method skills of Charlie Sheen or Tara Reid. And so I present you/je vous présente/ich stelle dich vor/I представи ви (Bulgarian, duh) with the winner of the Sporklie for Best Foreign Film....AFTER THE JUMP, of course!

A New Era Begins, The Biebs Has Cut His Hair

When you think of Justin Bieber what comes to mind? Smooth vocals, nice clothes, Canada? No, it would be that long and luscious comb forward full of mysterious powers beyond all that we as mere humans understand. But the Biebs has CUT IT ALL OFF! And... Justin Bieber is a boy?

                                         Look at that shine and bounce

You didn't think I would reveal the new haircut right away did you? See it after the jump!

Another Sporklie

The juiciest category in any Oscar season is Best Supporting Actress, where the Academy awards the actress who dismisses "supporting" status and instead steals the show.

The list of winners comprises an Olympus-worthy assortment of Elite Aesthetes, from Meryl Streep to Mo'Nique, who expertly concluded that smaller parts require bigger acting (and a cigarette).

Step Right Up, Sporklie #2 Goes To....

Annnd, ladies and gentlemen, as the proud presenter of the Oscar for most GQ-Worthy Sidekick Sporklie for Best Supporting Actor, I would like to call...

Think you're going to find out that easily, Sporkers? Think again! More after the jump.

The Daily Ryan

Perhaps you are aware that our Ryan is starring in the upcoming super-hero sex flick "The Green Lantern." But did you know that there's also a video game where you can actually be Ryan? And did you know that this video game is called "Green Lantern: Rise of the Manhunters?" YOU CAN BE RYAN REYNOLDS IN GREEN SPANDEX AND HUNT FOR MEN.

Surely the bestest Daily Ryan in several days, or my name's not Kevin Reynolds.

Sadly, it's not.

Yet.

The First Sporklie Spork Award Goes To...

The Sporklie Awards, which hereby commence on this laudable date in time of history and such things, do not exist as a mere echo of critical establishment, nor as a fawning gesture of thin praise, nor as a mockery of film.  A Sporklie is not an Oscar, it is not a Golden Globe, and it is not a Razzie. A Sporklie Spork honors other qualities.  With certainty, yes, a Sporklie upholds Truth, Beauty, Freedom, Love, and the whole Moulin Rouge. But a Sporklie, above all of this, stands for something else: Justice. The Spork is able to slide through the soup of talent and stab that which is juiciest, rescuing it from the stewy bottom and cradling it to the surface, to be devoured with appreciation and glee, for Justice to be Served.

And in the name of Justice, a Sporklie serves the Oscar Snubbed.  Film Spork hereby announces the Sporklie Spork for Leading Actress in a Motion Picture, after the JUMP!

Marion Cotillard To Be Cast In The Dark Knight Sequel, Jaz Buys Package Of Depends For Potential Accidents Due To Excitement

Marion Cotillard, America's Parisian sweetheart and one of my favorite human beings is going to be playing the love interest of Bruce Wayne in the newest Batman film. She will be teaming up once again with "Inception" director Chris Nolan and will be joining the already stellar cast of Anne Hathaway, Tom Harding, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Gary Oldman.
More after the jump..

MARION! Seriously, we can't give you enough good press.

Adele Owns Brit Awards, Relies On Music Instead Of Giant Egg And Pointy Shoulders

Here she be.  The part where she nearly cries, she claims she was thinking about her ex-boyfriend. I think there may be an EGOT in her future.

Happy One Year Anniversary of the Film That Mortally Wounded the Romantic Comedy

Several months later, James L. Brooks followed up with the kill shot.

On the bright side, even if you're spending Valentine's Day trolling the internet, correcting your coupled Facebook frenemies' ungrammatical spellings of "Valentines Day," (a thankless task, I know) it's probably more interesting than anything that happens in either of these films.

Don't worry, the day's almost over. Take a nap, grasp your pillows, whisky helps.

V-Day Fantasies

Since smart people are usually alone on Valentine's Day because we don't settle for bum holes like everyone else, we have decided to create our perfect V-day scenarios with those few film stars nearly good enough for us.  After the jump.

Cross-Eyed Opossum To Predict Oscar Winners

Germany's biggest celebrity, behind Christoph Waltz of course, is Heidi the cross-eyed opossum. This year the Leipzig zoo resident will be given the chance to pick her winners for the Oscars following Paul the Octopus's successful reign as Germany's oracle (R.I.P.).

More after the jump

Betty Garrett, Sinatra Musical Co-Star and Dirty Commie, Is As Dead As Khrushchev

Kind of rings a bell, doesn't she? Well, in the '40s she danced with the hottest stars of the day, in the '50s she was blacklisted, in the '60s she guest starred on The Fugitive, in the '70s she did sitcoms, in the '80s she did Murder She Wrote, in the '90s she did Boston Public, in the '00s she did Grey's Anatomy, and in the '10s she died and her obits called her a "Character Actress." That's what happens to commies. Still, she will be missed. And really, what have you done in your life? Probably not Jeff Bridges' Godfather. She was 91. Was.  : (

She's really dancing with the stars now. 

Readers Are Officially Called Sporkers!

Sorry Kevin, you lose the poll on "What To Call Our Readers." Sporkers finally took the lead after being tied with Sporklies for a good 18 hours. The final results ended with a whopping 5 votes in favor of Sporkers compared to 3 measly votes for Sporklies. You shall have your day in the sun, Kevin. As a 2nd place gift we shall dub our future awards show "The Sporklies."  I think our award should look like this:

The Daily Spader

Hiya, Sporkers! Long time no chat. With me, at least. I'm in an uncharacteristically chipper mood today, so I thought that called for a little/large/smoldering/creepy/sexy/whatever dose of your Daily Spader. Which, actually, is turning more into a Weekly Spader.* But let's all forgive the misnomer and move on with our sick and twisted lives, yeah? In last week's post, we discovered how undeniably hot Mr. Spader can make one of Cronenberg's nightmarish fetishes look. This week, we discover that someone can actually pale Susan Sarandon's hotness in comparison. And that person is....ta-daaaa....James!

This still is from a little movie from 1990 called "White Castle Palace." Spader, playing the world's youngest and hottest widower, falls for Sarandon, the world's hottest middle-aged (?) working-class waitress. And hilarity ensues! No, wait. Lots of drama and illicit relations ensue. That's more like it. Readers, let's be gentle and forgive James for the unfortunate early-nineties perm. We all make mistakes.


*Once again, there is no relevant news to tie this posting to current events in any way. Actually, we should probably just accept the fact that most of my Daily Spader posts will be completely untimely until dear James finds some more work. I will throw in this fun fact as a sort-of apology: James's middle name is Todd! Thank God he's hot.

Hollywood To Release Atlas Shrugged Part 1, Attempt To Profit Off Of Ayn Rand's Individual Creative Energy

Fun Fact: Director Paul Johansson is known for directing particularly uninteresting episodes of One Tree Hill.

Fun Fact II: To answer your question, John Galt  is actually Paul Johansson.

Fun Fact III: Fans of Ayn Rand probably weren't loved enough as children. Or loved too much.

After The Jump, another fun fact and a picture of what Ayn looks like now!

Justin Bieber Tops Adam Sandler AND Jennifer Aniston in One Night!

But he's still a lesbian.

And yet, while Never Say Never won the Friday box office, Just Go With It is still expected to take the weekend, because the idea is to always underestimate the Biebs.

The Daily Ryan

BREAKING: Ryan's ex, Scarlett Johansson, is currently seeing Sean Penn, who is now a 50 year old cross dresser.  Apparently they met while Scarlett almost joined Penn in Haiti.  Let's do a side by side, shall we?

Him?

Or Him?

White Stripes Break-up, Middle America Asks "That Gum With Those Zebra Tattoos?"

Funkadelic hipster types have even more reason to mope and not smile. The band The White Stripes have officially broken up. We shall no longer hear that blaring yet simple drum beat in scummy college bars or make-fun of our friends who are learning the melody to "Blue Orchid" on their dad's old guitar with the missing string. What the hell am I supposed to talk about when I want to impress those guys from that band that played at that coffee shop that one time?

More after the jump

Elizabeth Taylor Taps The Bucket With Her Crippled Foot, Bucket Wobbles, But Is Not Kicked

Lizzie's in the hospital. She's had heart failure for 7 years now, but the recent news that Angelina Jolie was set to play Cleopatra likely did her in.

Everybody spritz some White Diamonds, pray to MJ, and pour your lover another drink. This could be a long night.

Terminator Tweets That He Is, Indeed, Back

Modern renaissance cyborg Arnold Schwarzenegger has adorably tweeted to his fans that the whole Kennedy thang was fun but he'd like to try for that Oscar again.

"Exciting news," he twitted. "My friends at CAA have been asking me for 7 years when they can take offers seriously. Gave them the green light today," he twatted.

During his governorship, he restricted himself to cameo roles, such appearing alongside Jackie Chan in the modern re-make Around the World in 80 Days, which is best described as an indescribably bad picture.

Some say Arnold added camp value to "80 Days," others didn't see it 

New X-men Movie Trades Veteran Brit Actors With Sexy Voices For Young Brit Actors With Sexy Abs, JFK Has Cameo

It's called X-Men: First Class and it's probably better than the last one, but not the one before the last one. And I think the special effects look cheesy, but I probably don't get it. I just like the X-men themes, they resonate. (No, I don't think I'm more evolved than you, I just have secret claws).

Also, I was cruel to James McAvoy in the headline, he's both hot and talented and he's one of my favorite stage actors and after the jump is a picture I took of him at a stage door in London and he asked me if the signature I begged for was for my girlfriend. I said no.

Lady Gaga Releases Long Lost Madonna Single

It's not stillborn, but it is a preemie. Still, it's going to incubate in your head. Against your will. Also, I can do the "don't be a drag, just be a queen" voice really well. Like as a party trick.

LINK until video can be uploaded.

The Daily Ryan

I just love a man that can get away with wearing a scarf and a beard and still seem bad-ass. There's the Canadian side of you we know and love! Do you guys like Ryan better With or Without facial hair? Post your opinions.

Actress Makes Joke...Idiots Don't Get It

Winter's Bone actress and Oscar nominee for Best Actress Jennifer Lawrence made a joke the other day. When asked about her southern roots she stated that "Little redneck things still come out...I'm attracted to my brother, stuff like that." I like her. A young actress that already has the ability to mock herself.

More after the jump...

Disney Ekes a Living By Marketing To Increasingly Socially Inept Youthful Demographics

Walt Disney Studios Chairman and Hospice Nurse Rich Ross's first movie is about to come out! Rich Ross got the job because he created Lizzie McGuire and High School Musical 2.  The absolute first thing he did after becoming Chairman was to sign off on "Prom."

It's about a high school prom, and live students actually approaching each other and keeping eye contact long enough to ask a question about going to a "Prom" where they actually have to kind of touch each other. There's a hot white guy and hot white girl, a hot black guy and hot black girl, and a normal looking white guy and normal looking white girl, and a geeky white guy and hot asian girl, and millions and millions of tweens are going to care really really hard what happens.

The Daily Ryan

Fact: Alanis Morissette recorded her album "Flavors of Entanglement" while grieving over her break up with Ryan Reynolds. One blog review called the album her masterpiece.

Olivia Wilde is Single...Nerds Rejoice!

Tron: Legacy cutie and girl crush of mine Olivia Wilde has sadly broken up with her film-maker husband Tao Ruspoli. Does anyone else notice that when a woman becomes successful, her marriage shatters like cryogenic glass? I'm not a relationship expert and I'm trying to be unbiased about the whole situation but I'm basically gonna blame this all on Ruspoli. Tao I'm sure your penis is huge and you're a big strong man. No need to get envious of your former lover's success. I'm sure your documentaries are super duper.

In other news, a simultaneous surge of Olivia Wilde related posts have gone up in all World of Warcraft discussion boards and other nerd hangouts. I can just imagine them all jamming out to Daft Punk and watching Tron: Legacy clips on youtube as they stage a raid on the Alliance.

Presenting: The Iron Lady

Maggie Thatcher never looked so sexy, people. Now THAT is actin'.

Praise God for the 1980s and beloved sporklie Luke Tripp,  who submitted this tip

Mersus Speaks, after the jump.

"How much love, sex, fun and friendship can a person take?"

The Big Chill was an 1983 film starring Kevin Kline, Glenn Close, and Jeff Goldblum - about a group of friends who get together for a weekend to mourn the loss of a friend, and reminisce about the college years, when radicalism and idealism were still a part of their lives.  Some have called it self-indulgent, elitist, and a tale of 60s-hippie-turned-80s-yuppie, but I call it, simply wonderful.

And Regina King, AKA Southland's Detective Adams and 24's Sandra Palmer (relax, I said Sandra, not Sherry) agrees as she will produce the all-black-cast remake for Screen Gems.

Early Pushing Daisies Cancellation Ages Lee Pace Two Decades, While Uma Thurman Revealed To Have Benjamin Button Disease

So there's this movie that hit it big out of the Toronto Film Festival called "Ceremony" and the plot is like "My Best Friend's Wedding" except Julia Roberts is now a Napoleon Syndrome-afflicted Mr. Daring-Do, anyway the point is that the Cameron Diaz character type is played by Lee Pace and he looks so old, so awfully old, what have we done? What year is it anyway? Why?

Was it too many pies???

Mersus Strist Resurrects Romantic-Comedy-For-The-Nearly-Dead Genre, Walks On Wine & Turns Piss Into Vinegar

After spending the last decade resurrecting her career from the bloody crucifixion-by-dingo that was the '90s, Mersus Strist has brought the middle-age-rom-com back to life in the 2010s by signing on to "Great Hope Springs." The comedy, to be directed by Strist disciple (and the source behind the "Devil Wears Prada" Revelations) David Frankel, centers around a middle aged couple who have trouble touching each other intimately, and go to a therapist about it.

Coconut Milk, Amen.

The Daily Ryan

A new day, a new Ryan, a new hope.

55% of Bing.com users are asexual

A new survey found that 45% Bing.com users would choose Ryan Reynolds as their Valentine's Day date. They chose Ryan over Zac Efron, Justin Bieber, and Robert Pattinson. They chose Ryan over chocolate. They chose Bing over Google. Who does that?

President and...Moviestar?

I have something amazing to say: Former President of the United States Bill Clinton has a cameo in the upcoming film The Hangover Part 2! Yes folks it's true. Things are looking up (dirty joke intended!) I don't know about you but I hope to god that he is having sex with a whore playing his saxophone in some shady Thai nightclub.

                                                          Mmmmmmmhmmmmmmm...

Crappy Movie Tops Box Office

What is the world coming to? The craptastic and lackluster film The Roommate has topped the box office this week. Um, pardon me? Yes, yes I understand that the idea is "quite" original: insane pretty girl wants the life of the sane pretty protagonist. I've only seen this scenario a few dozen times:
1) Single White Female
2) Fatal Attraction
3) Obsessed
4) Swim Fan

More after the jump...

The Daily Spader

Hello, hello, Sporkers. Dearest Kevin's The Daily Ryan posts have inspired me. Except my version of his new series is for all the ladies and gents out there who like their leading men sleazy, strange, perverted, asshole-y, and drop-dead-gorgeous-holy-moly-cow-sexy.

                              James Spader shows us that creepy guys can actually have their cake and eat it too. At least in my book.

I present: The Daily Spader. We begin with a still from that other "Crash." You know, the one that didn't win a bajillion undeserved Oscars, the one from 1996 in which director David Cronenberg actually out-weirds himself, the one in which beautiful people get all hot and bothered by watching car crashes (and we get hot and bothered watching them get hot and bothered), the one in which James Spader actually has sex with a....well, you'll just have to watch it now, won't you?

*Note: Today's Daily Spader actually has no relevance to anything currently happening in the world of entertainment. Unless you count the fact that he hasn't had leading man status in, like, 15 years. That's just criminal.

The Daily Ryan, Only at Film Spork

Some people you follow because they are interesting. And some people you follow because they are hot. We at Film Spork think that, occasionally, the hot can be interesting. And so we promise a daily update of the life of Ryan Reynolds, starting today.

All About Ryan

Today's Daily Ryan concerns news regarding Ryan's latest divorce from blonde harpy Scarlett Johansson. Apparently, while on the set of The Green Lantern, Ryan would complain that Miss Scarlett would "treat him badly" and made him "beyond sad and depressed." Of course, Film Spork now has no choice but to ban Scarlett Johansson from her fabulous domain forever till the end of time.

Also, Ryan Reynolds is single.

Joan Rivers Insults Julie Taymor, Has Sex with Reeve Carney (Probably), Lands Front Page of the Times

The Immortal Joan Rivers decided she needed fresh standup material and went trolling backstage at Julie Taymor's Chocolate Factory  where she suggested Miss Moneypit-Genius "hire a stunt person to fall on someone every three or four weeks -- that'll keep audiences showing up." When Julie made a strained face, Rivers followed up "Of course, someone's told you that before."

"No, you're the first." And Julie walked away, presumably to brain damage more actors in order to fulfill her glorious vision.

Reeve Carney was there too. Julie saw his band at a bar once and told him he was Spiderman. Just. Like. That.

Life's about as fair as the Yale admissions process. Still, it goes on.

Bette Davis Dies, SNL Does Classic Sketch, Film Spork Remembers

This is thanks to a tip from one of our Sporklies!

Film Spork Honors America's Movie Star On The Kick-Off Of His Corpse's 100th Birthday Year Long Celebration

Once upon a time, America decided a UFO-obsessed movie star who liked to read the "funnies" and the "horoscopes" before, or if ever, the news, should lead the nation and tote around the nuclear briefcase. Earlier this week, the Presidentification of the American Spirit turned 100 years old. So, although Ronnie, like countless AIDS victims and Nicaraguan Contra civilian targets, is indeed no longer among the living, his 89-year-old batshit crazy wife is, and it's polite to be nice to the dead husbands of old broads.

So Happy Belated Birthday Mister President! Sorry we're late - WE FORGOT!

(Honestly though the AIDS link is a fascinating read)

The Rules to Great Trailers

Trailers can literally make or break a film. Film-makers have 90 seconds to convince the masses to cough up the 10 bucks to see their film rather than bowling or doing heavy drugs in an abandoned parking lot.

But, what makes an amazing trailer?

Great trailers:
 Should give the audience a sense of what genre they're going to see. If it's not a comedy don't make it appear like one AKA Funny People. Someone (most likely a college-aged fraternity brother) expects a raunchy Judd Apatow comedsy starring Adam Sandler. Instead he leaves with his nose runny from intense crying and the thought of his own mortality. (Thus explaining how he came to doing hard drugs in abandoned parking lots.)

                                            People can die? Even {gasp} FUNNY PEOPLE?

Tati's Last Wish: "May Every 20-Something See 'L'Illusionniste' and Get Laid"

My dearest Sporkettes (Sporkinis? Sporkers? Spatulas?),

In light of my last post endorsing two rather naughty Oscar contenders, I've decided to give my seal of approval to another Oscar-nominated foreign film that is family friendly. And I don't mean "family friendly" in the way that "Dogtooth" or "The Dreamers" meant it. In fact, it has earned my just-now created elusive prize for "Most Date-Worthy Date Movie." Read: There are no awkward love scenes, no one's head gets blown off, and it doesn't star a Jennifer, Ashton, Gerard or Jamie. Read further: It will probably provoke thoughtful discussion, earn you/your date hyper-cool, artsy-fartsy points, offend few sensibilities, and (most importantly) make sure you both get laid go home happy.

"The Illusionist," Sylvain Chomet's second feature (following 2003's "The Triplets of Belleville"), is a breathtakingly-animated love letter not to France, but to the rugged beauty of Edinburgh. Though based on a previously unproduced script by Jacques Tati and featuring a protagonist that draws heavily on Tati's famed Monsieur Hulot, Chomet's film has a poignancy and sweetness unmatched by his Film God of a predecessor. To clear things up: yes, I saw it on a date. And yes, my date earned triple-digit cool points for not automatically assuming that I'm the type of girl who likes really disgustingly deranged foreign films. He'll figure this out later.


READ ON to discover to awesomely awesome...and awesomely bad....date movies.

And He Even Uses The Loo!

beep..  beep...  beep..  beep... 

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--- just kidding!

Thankfully, despite recent news, JACK BAUER LIVES!

Jack Kiefer was spotted dining at NYC's Juniors earlier this week, while enthusiastically talking '24' movie with series producer, Ron Howard.

Also, every news source ever finds Kiefer's cheeseburger to be relevant.


Read on to weigh in on desired plot scenarios!

People I want to win Oscars, just to hear their speeches

Usually I look forward to the Oscars to A) See who gets really hammered B) Reaction shots (especially the  semi-rascist ones where Denzel will be saying a speech and they will cut to the only other black person in the audience, seriously it's a real thing, pay attention) AND C) who will give the best speech.

                                                We love you more than life itself Marion.

Yoko Ono...She's kinda awesome

Listen people,
I think it's time we let the cat out of the bag. Yoko Ono is pretty fantastic. Please please let me finish. The lady is the epitome of a true artist. She has lived the bohemian lifestyle, breathed her work (which includes film, music, interactive, painting, performance) for the past 50 years and hasn't let anyone stop her from doing what she loves That is determination. Not only that but through these trials and tribulations she has maintained an incredible amount of dignity and optimism. So in honor of the fabulousness that is Yoko Ono I dedicate every 3:45 am on Saturday mornings as the Yoko Ono Minute. If you are still awake take the time to contemplate art, war, love, destiny, and any other difficult topics for at least a full minute.
Mazel Tov!

                                                       She is rocking those shades!

The Fighter.

Melissa Leo, or Wahlberg's mom (on screen)
Got herself an Oscar nom (steals scenes)
So she asked the 'zines to take her pic.
But they said no cuz she got no dick.
So instead of growing old in shame,
She went and did her own ad campaign.

Melissa Leo FTW

Water for Elephants, and screaming fangirls

 I just got chills.

Which surprises me.  Because though I secretly enjoyed Remember Me, it's very embarassing to admit that I might be looking forward to something starring Robert Pattinson.  And yet...







P.S. Jen, give it a shot, Christoph Waltz is in it too.  And Reese.  But mostly Christoph Waltz.

French Prostitute Pigeons

Justin Bieber, as much as I admire you for your killer pre and post pubescent vocals and your bravery to accept yourself as a lesbian I must confess something. Never Say Never better be like this or something bad will happen.

An American Tail is probably one of the top ten animated films of ALL TIME, not just human history but ALL TIME. I've learned more from this film about turn-of-the-century America than I ever did in skewl. The Statue of Liberty was really built by pigeons,  mice CAN talk, and cats love to smoke cigars! If nothing else it has helped me realize my dreams of becoming a french pigeon prostitute and yearning to play the fiddle and serenade the moon when I am sad. 'nuff said case closed.

BIEBER FEVER COUNTDOWN: 9 Days Until "Never Say Never"

This has been a friendly Film Spork reminder.

Now, watch this drive.

Cable Matinee Idol Anderson Cooper Brutally Bitch-Slapped By Egyptian Democracy Hating Homophobes

That's it, Hosni Mubarek is GOING DOWN.

Click Here to sign a petition to send in our brand new fabulous gay army and Save Cooper's Privates Private Cooper!

P.S. Anderson has an adorable "flip camera" that he managed to sneak under the bastards' noses! Isn't that cute?

P. P. S. Picture of Kevin's date with Anderson, after the JUMP!

Universal Tries Very Hard To Make Judd Apatow/Kristen Wiig Girl Buddy Comedy Look Horrible

Judd Apatow, like Aaron Sorkin, is quite talented, but mostly when it comes to male characters. Exhibit A: "Bridesmaids," coming this May, which, unless the trailer is full of all the jokes that don't work, is probably not going to be all that wonderful.

ReelzChannel Agrees to Air "Kennedys" Miniseries, Katie Holmes Allowed to Stay Married to Famous Gay* Cult Spokesman

"The Kennedys," the controversial History Channel-rejected miniseries from the ultra conservative creators of "24" will be on the TeeVee after all! Except, you probably don't get the ReelzChannel, and if you do you you still probably don't think you do, so nobody will be watching this. Which is a shame, because it looks really juicy. Apparently, political leaders aren't the same as how they appear on the TeeVee! Will Katie finally win her Golden Globe?

Watch a sneaky-sneaky-peaky below...

*Gay = happy

Extra Extra!

According to multiple sources, two extremely good looking celebrities with mediocre looking children are breaking up or fighting about something. If aesthetically gifted individuals lacking personalities can't make it, is there any hope for us simple folks?  More after the jump...

According to specialists, the problem starts when good-looking people get together with other good-looking people. Apparently when one is raised to understand he or she can get anything by batting an eyelash, wearing a push-up bra, or rubbing baby oil on chiseled abs, it can lead to trouble. On some occasions it can, god forbid,  begin an unending cycle of furious flirting back and forth until the weaker specimen dies of exhaustion or the couple breaks up. Scientists suggest pretty people date plain faces with personalities and/or useful skills for a successful partnership. It seems to be doing alright for Meryl and Julia Roberts.

Nay-sayers?

Readers,
I recently posted an amazing blog articulating my excitement for the soon-to-be released Muppets movie. Well I was met with a tidal wave of negative comments (and by that I mean two of them.) Therefor I have created a list highlighting why The Muppets will be remembered 50 years from now and you will probably be a smelly old person shoplifting your gum paste from Rite-Aid.

 1) The epic romances between Gonzo & Camilla the Chicken and Kermit & Miss Piggy helped the world not only accept Bi-racial relationships but those between different species.

2) Miss Piggy is the poster child for a positive and healthy self-image for women, especially uptight narcissistic ones.

3) Differences can help us overcome obstacles. I highly doubt The Muppets would have made their fake dreams come true without Kermit's tenacity, Miss Piggy's aggression, Beaker's Clumsiness, etc.

4) You can't see green felt without thinking of Kermit

5) The Muppets were the only puppets to present at The Oscars. The F***ing Oscars!

What do you guys think? What else do The Muppets possess that makes them amazing?