The 83rd Annual Academy Awards was supposed to be for the pretty kids. The veteran comic talents of Alec Baldwin and Whoopi Goldberg were largely abandoned, to be replaced by the manic-depressive double act of Shining Sexy Movie Stars Anne Hathaway and James Franco.
And Anne and James were reliably childlike. She couldn't stop twirling, giggling, smiling, and playing designer dress-up like an overly-agreeable live mannequin. He was mostly concerned with his too-cool-to-care image, which he maintained via his twitter (and his mother and grandmother's twitters), his "I'm hosting the Oscars" backstage documentary, and occasionally, the actual on stage duties of hosting the Oscars ("Congratulations, nerds," he quipped after the technical awards recap). The New York Times described it as Debbie Reynolds hosting with James Dean. Perhaps. But they at least would have made it work, instead of making it look like work.
Thankfully, when the beautiful are bad, the aged get assertive. Enter the Quintet of Oldies who stole the Oscars, after the JUMP!
1.) Kirk Douglas, 94, has the best sex of the night when, after confessing that all he wants is a beautiful woman, he makes the 5 supporting actress nominees quiver in anticipation as he milks announcing the winner..."you know....you know...you know..."
2.) Upon winning her Oscar, Melissa Leo, 50, got even more attention than her fabulous faux-fur Oscar ads when she observed "when I watched Kate two years ago it looked so fuckin' easy! Whoops!"
3.) Notable second best Oscar host of all time, Billy Crystal (62 but surgically younger), introduced the best Oscar host of all time, Bob Hope (107 and decomposing), who proceeded to demonstrate how it's done.
4.) David Seidler, 73, wins an Oscar for original screenplay, makes a moving tribute to stutterers, and jokes about being a "late-bloomer." He's one of the few winners able to find their voice on stage.
5.) James Franco's Grandma (that's her real name) announces to a billion people that she "just saw Marky Mark" and then parties the night away at Supperclub.
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| Look what I can do! |
And Anne and James were reliably childlike. She couldn't stop twirling, giggling, smiling, and playing designer dress-up like an overly-agreeable live mannequin. He was mostly concerned with his too-cool-to-care image, which he maintained via his twitter (and his mother and grandmother's twitters), his "I'm hosting the Oscars" backstage documentary, and occasionally, the actual on stage duties of hosting the Oscars ("Congratulations, nerds," he quipped after the technical awards recap). The New York Times described it as Debbie Reynolds hosting with James Dean. Perhaps. But they at least would have made it work, instead of making it look like work.
Thankfully, when the beautiful are bad, the aged get assertive. Enter the Quintet of Oldies who stole the Oscars, after the JUMP!
1.) Kirk Douglas, 94, has the best sex of the night when, after confessing that all he wants is a beautiful woman, he makes the 5 supporting actress nominees quiver in anticipation as he milks announcing the winner..."you know....you know...you know..."
2.) Upon winning her Oscar, Melissa Leo, 50, got even more attention than her fabulous faux-fur Oscar ads when she observed "when I watched Kate two years ago it looked so fuckin' easy! Whoops!"
3.) Notable second best Oscar host of all time, Billy Crystal (62 but surgically younger), introduced the best Oscar host of all time, Bob Hope (107 and decomposing), who proceeded to demonstrate how it's done.
4.) David Seidler, 73, wins an Oscar for original screenplay, makes a moving tribute to stutterers, and jokes about being a "late-bloomer." He's one of the few winners able to find their voice on stage.
5.) James Franco's Grandma (that's her real name) announces to a billion people that she "just saw Marky Mark" and then parties the night away at Supperclub.
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