Hollywood Casts Plastic Surgery Holdout Jennifer Garner As Infamous Elderly Spinster Detective Miss Marple

It has been reported that Walt Disney has purchased the rights to Miss Marple, and that they are planning a new film franchise set to star Jennifer Garner, who is 38 years old. Many are calling it a re-invention of the character.  Defenders of the change, while conceding Hollywood's age bias, have even said that the "old lady" version has already been successfully portrayed, and that it's time for a different, even sexier take.

Let me explain why that is wrong. On so many levels. After the jump.

Please, listen to the lovely Miss Marple Theme as you read.

Joan Fontaine & Olivia de Havilland Refuse To Speak To Each Other And/Or Die

Olivia is known to have been an infamous bitch to her lovely sister, but a lovely friend to infamous bitch Bette Davis

The death of a Hollywood legend at this late stage of modern humanity begs the question: who the hell is still ticking? Everyone (or - everyone who matters) knows that Doris Day will outlive the sun, and that Lauren Bacall is murmuring husky voiced nothings to her pet Papillon in some grand Manhattan loft.  But Taylor was merely a sickly mutant '50s screen goddess...what of those '30s divas who have yet to pop their clogs? FAB FEUDS AFTER THE JUMP

Elizabeth Rosemond Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky is Dead.

Elizabeth Taylor, violet eyed and raven haired, descended from the aethers of the universe into the international consciousness in 1944's National Velvet as a young girl who unexpectedly rides a horse to victory. Half a century later, in 1994, she made her final silver screen performance as Fred Flinstone's mother in law. In between she made screen history when allowed to sizzle, in films like Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, A Place in the Sun, and Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.  And yet, Taylor was no Garbo, Davis, or Streep -- her quieter performances tended to bore more than bewitch.

A Brief History of Homosexual PDAs on the Boob Tube

So Harry Potter finally kissed Chris Colfer on a gleeful little show the children can see (aka a network program!) and the most prominent person to get upset about it is some washed up SNL  crazy married to a fire breathing magician. Indeed, the gay network television kiss is no longer a huge deal. But once upon a time, such a thing took courage and made history, and advertisers got UPSET. So, gay network teevee history after the JUMP!

The Bad and the Beautiful and Kirk Douglas

The 83rd Annual Academy Awards was supposed to be for the pretty kids. The veteran comic talents of Alec Baldwin and Whoopi Goldberg were largely abandoned, to be replaced by the manic-depressive double act of Shining Sexy Movie Stars Anne Hathaway and James Franco.

Look what I can do!

And Anne and James were reliably childlike. She couldn't stop twirling, giggling, smiling, and playing designer dress-up like an overly-agreeable live mannequin. He was mostly concerned with his too-cool-to-care image, which he maintained via his twitter (and his mother and grandmother's twitters), his "I'm hosting the Oscars" backstage documentary, and occasionally, the actual on stage duties of hosting the Oscars ("Congratulations, nerds," he quipped after the technical awards recap). The New York Times described it as Debbie Reynolds hosting with James Dean. Perhaps. But they at least would have made it work, instead of making it look like work.

Thankfully, when the beautiful are bad, the aged get assertive. Enter the Quintet of Oldies who stole the Oscars, after the JUMP!

Another Sporklie

The juiciest category in any Oscar season is Best Supporting Actress, where the Academy awards the actress who dismisses "supporting" status and instead steals the show.

The list of winners comprises an Olympus-worthy assortment of Elite Aesthetes, from Meryl Streep to Mo'Nique, who expertly concluded that smaller parts require bigger acting (and a cigarette).

The Daily Ryan

Perhaps you are aware that our Ryan is starring in the upcoming super-hero sex flick "The Green Lantern." But did you know that there's also a video game where you can actually be Ryan? And did you know that this video game is called "Green Lantern: Rise of the Manhunters?" YOU CAN BE RYAN REYNOLDS IN GREEN SPANDEX AND HUNT FOR MEN.

Surely the bestest Daily Ryan in several days, or my name's not Kevin Reynolds.

Sadly, it's not.

Yet.

The First Sporklie Spork Award Goes To...

The Sporklie Awards, which hereby commence on this laudable date in time of history and such things, do not exist as a mere echo of critical establishment, nor as a fawning gesture of thin praise, nor as a mockery of film.  A Sporklie is not an Oscar, it is not a Golden Globe, and it is not a Razzie. A Sporklie Spork honors other qualities.  With certainty, yes, a Sporklie upholds Truth, Beauty, Freedom, Love, and the whole Moulin Rouge. But a Sporklie, above all of this, stands for something else: Justice. The Spork is able to slide through the soup of talent and stab that which is juiciest, rescuing it from the stewy bottom and cradling it to the surface, to be devoured with appreciation and glee, for Justice to be Served.

And in the name of Justice, a Sporklie serves the Oscar Snubbed.  Film Spork hereby announces the Sporklie Spork for Leading Actress in a Motion Picture, after the JUMP!

Adele Owns Brit Awards, Relies On Music Instead Of Giant Egg And Pointy Shoulders

Here she be.  The part where she nearly cries, she claims she was thinking about her ex-boyfriend. I think there may be an EGOT in her future.

Happy One Year Anniversary of the Film That Mortally Wounded the Romantic Comedy

Several months later, James L. Brooks followed up with the kill shot.

On the bright side, even if you're spending Valentine's Day trolling the internet, correcting your coupled Facebook frenemies' ungrammatical spellings of "Valentines Day," (a thankless task, I know) it's probably more interesting than anything that happens in either of these films.

Don't worry, the day's almost over. Take a nap, grasp your pillows, whisky helps.

Betty Garrett, Sinatra Musical Co-Star and Dirty Commie, Is As Dead As Khrushchev

Kind of rings a bell, doesn't she? Well, in the '40s she danced with the hottest stars of the day, in the '50s she was blacklisted, in the '60s she guest starred on The Fugitive, in the '70s she did sitcoms, in the '80s she did Murder She Wrote, in the '90s she did Boston Public, in the '00s she did Grey's Anatomy, and in the '10s she died and her obits called her a "Character Actress." That's what happens to commies. Still, she will be missed. And really, what have you done in your life? Probably not Jeff Bridges' Godfather. She was 91. Was.  : (

She's really dancing with the stars now. 

Hollywood To Release Atlas Shrugged Part 1, Attempt To Profit Off Of Ayn Rand's Individual Creative Energy

Fun Fact: Director Paul Johansson is known for directing particularly uninteresting episodes of One Tree Hill.

Fun Fact II: To answer your question, John Galt  is actually Paul Johansson.

Fun Fact III: Fans of Ayn Rand probably weren't loved enough as children. Or loved too much.

After The Jump, another fun fact and a picture of what Ayn looks like now!

Justin Bieber Tops Adam Sandler AND Jennifer Aniston in One Night!

But he's still a lesbian.

And yet, while Never Say Never won the Friday box office, Just Go With It is still expected to take the weekend, because the idea is to always underestimate the Biebs.

The Daily Ryan

BREAKING: Ryan's ex, Scarlett Johansson, is currently seeing Sean Penn, who is now a 50 year old cross dresser.  Apparently they met while Scarlett almost joined Penn in Haiti.  Let's do a side by side, shall we?

Him?

Or Him?

Elizabeth Taylor Taps The Bucket With Her Crippled Foot, Bucket Wobbles, But Is Not Kicked

Lizzie's in the hospital. She's had heart failure for 7 years now, but the recent news that Angelina Jolie was set to play Cleopatra likely did her in.

Everybody spritz some White Diamonds, pray to MJ, and pour your lover another drink. This could be a long night.

Terminator Tweets That He Is, Indeed, Back

Modern renaissance cyborg Arnold Schwarzenegger has adorably tweeted to his fans that the whole Kennedy thang was fun but he'd like to try for that Oscar again.

"Exciting news," he twitted. "My friends at CAA have been asking me for 7 years when they can take offers seriously. Gave them the green light today," he twatted.

During his governorship, he restricted himself to cameo roles, such appearing alongside Jackie Chan in the modern re-make Around the World in 80 Days, which is best described as an indescribably bad picture.

Some say Arnold added camp value to "80 Days," others didn't see it 

New X-men Movie Trades Veteran Brit Actors With Sexy Voices For Young Brit Actors With Sexy Abs, JFK Has Cameo

It's called X-Men: First Class and it's probably better than the last one, but not the one before the last one. And I think the special effects look cheesy, but I probably don't get it. I just like the X-men themes, they resonate. (No, I don't think I'm more evolved than you, I just have secret claws).

Also, I was cruel to James McAvoy in the headline, he's both hot and talented and he's one of my favorite stage actors and after the jump is a picture I took of him at a stage door in London and he asked me if the signature I begged for was for my girlfriend. I said no.

Lady Gaga Releases Long Lost Madonna Single

It's not stillborn, but it is a preemie. Still, it's going to incubate in your head. Against your will. Also, I can do the "don't be a drag, just be a queen" voice really well. Like as a party trick.

LINK until video can be uploaded.

Disney Ekes a Living By Marketing To Increasingly Socially Inept Youthful Demographics

Walt Disney Studios Chairman and Hospice Nurse Rich Ross's first movie is about to come out! Rich Ross got the job because he created Lizzie McGuire and High School Musical 2.  The absolute first thing he did after becoming Chairman was to sign off on "Prom."

It's about a high school prom, and live students actually approaching each other and keeping eye contact long enough to ask a question about going to a "Prom" where they actually have to kind of touch each other. There's a hot white guy and hot white girl, a hot black guy and hot black girl, and a normal looking white guy and normal looking white girl, and a geeky white guy and hot asian girl, and millions and millions of tweens are going to care really really hard what happens.

The Daily Ryan

Fact: Alanis Morissette recorded her album "Flavors of Entanglement" while grieving over her break up with Ryan Reynolds. One blog review called the album her masterpiece.