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THE CONFESSION

Because Jen Will Look Like An Ass If She Doesn't....

RIP, Elizabeth. I won't try to follow my co-bloggers' lovely eulogies, but: May the world never call you "Liz" in earnest again. It may "sound like a hiss," but that that hiss will be remembered as brassy, warm, brazen, Rubenesque and otherworldly, yet never completely untouchable.

Extra! Extra! Another Hot Brit Gets Down With His Bad Self

Dearest Sporkers.  I apologize for the short hiatus. I have been busy taking little children to the ER and listening to 5th grade boys disclose little gems of wisdom that include: "Miley Cyrus. She's barely even an actress. She's really only an ordinary girl, just like you and me." Clearly, he was unimpressed with The Last Song. Kids these days. (Maybe he should join FilmSpork as a guest writer.)

To repent for my absence, I am presenting you with a very special treat of the weird eye-candy variety. (My favorite!) Who else is in love with Aaron Johnson, that fetching young Brit whom I adore for Kick-Ass, and loathe respect entirely for removing himself from the eligibility market with a 43-year-old director?

 

I know, I know. You all just raised your hands. And even better than those lips, folks, is this: Johnson performing a crazy-sexy-joyful, borderline-alarming solo dance along London's Brick Lane to REM's new single "Überlin."

Yes, it's more than slightly reminiscent of the video for Radiohead's "Lotus Flower." But really. Who would you rather watch shake his groove thing? Tiny, creepy (albeit brilliant) elf Thom Yorke? Or the Sex God himself? (All you Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging fans know where it's at.)

 Be sure to watch the moves at 2:22. They may become a new dance party staple.

It's Sporklie Time! (Un-American Edition)

Alright, it's time to hand out another mildly highly sought-after Sporklie. This time, let's show some love for those poor, poor films that aren't fortunate enough to have the opportunity to work with Michael Bay, be funded by the Weinstein Brothers, or utilize the undervalued Method skills of Charlie Sheen or Tara Reid. And so I present you/je vous présente/ich stelle dich vor/I представи ви (Bulgarian, duh) with the winner of the Sporklie for Best Foreign Film....AFTER THE JUMP, of course!

Step Right Up, Sporklie #2 Goes To....

Annnd, ladies and gentlemen, as the proud presenter of the Oscar for most GQ-Worthy Sidekick Sporklie for Best Supporting Actor, I would like to call...

Think you're going to find out that easily, Sporkers? Think again! More after the jump.

The Daily Spader

Hiya, Sporkers! Long time no chat. With me, at least. I'm in an uncharacteristically chipper mood today, so I thought that called for a little/large/smoldering/creepy/sexy/whatever dose of your Daily Spader. Which, actually, is turning more into a Weekly Spader.* But let's all forgive the misnomer and move on with our sick and twisted lives, yeah? In last week's post, we discovered how undeniably hot Mr. Spader can make one of Cronenberg's nightmarish fetishes look. This week, we discover that someone can actually pale Susan Sarandon's hotness in comparison. And that person is....ta-daaaa....James!

This still is from a little movie from 1990 called "White Castle Palace." Spader, playing the world's youngest and hottest widower, falls for Sarandon, the world's hottest middle-aged (?) working-class waitress. And hilarity ensues! No, wait. Lots of drama and illicit relations ensue. That's more like it. Readers, let's be gentle and forgive James for the unfortunate early-nineties perm. We all make mistakes.


*Once again, there is no relevant news to tie this posting to current events in any way. Actually, we should probably just accept the fact that most of my Daily Spader posts will be completely untimely until dear James finds some more work. I will throw in this fun fact as a sort-of apology: James's middle name is Todd! Thank God he's hot.

The Daily Spader

Hello, hello, Sporkers. Dearest Kevin's The Daily Ryan posts have inspired me. Except my version of his new series is for all the ladies and gents out there who like their leading men sleazy, strange, perverted, asshole-y, and drop-dead-gorgeous-holy-moly-cow-sexy.

                              James Spader shows us that creepy guys can actually have their cake and eat it too. At least in my book.

I present: The Daily Spader. We begin with a still from that other "Crash." You know, the one that didn't win a bajillion undeserved Oscars, the one from 1996 in which director David Cronenberg actually out-weirds himself, the one in which beautiful people get all hot and bothered by watching car crashes (and we get hot and bothered watching them get hot and bothered), the one in which James Spader actually has sex with a....well, you'll just have to watch it now, won't you?

*Note: Today's Daily Spader actually has no relevance to anything currently happening in the world of entertainment. Unless you count the fact that he hasn't had leading man status in, like, 15 years. That's just criminal.

Tati's Last Wish: "May Every 20-Something See 'L'Illusionniste' and Get Laid"

My dearest Sporkettes (Sporkinis? Sporkers? Spatulas?),

In light of my last post endorsing two rather naughty Oscar contenders, I've decided to give my seal of approval to another Oscar-nominated foreign film that is family friendly. And I don't mean "family friendly" in the way that "Dogtooth" or "The Dreamers" meant it. In fact, it has earned my just-now created elusive prize for "Most Date-Worthy Date Movie." Read: There are no awkward love scenes, no one's head gets blown off, and it doesn't star a Jennifer, Ashton, Gerard or Jamie. Read further: It will probably provoke thoughtful discussion, earn you/your date hyper-cool, artsy-fartsy points, offend few sensibilities, and (most importantly) make sure you both get laid go home happy.

"The Illusionist," Sylvain Chomet's second feature (following 2003's "The Triplets of Belleville"), is a breathtakingly-animated love letter not to France, but to the rugged beauty of Edinburgh. Though based on a previously unproduced script by Jacques Tati and featuring a protagonist that draws heavily on Tati's famed Monsieur Hulot, Chomet's film has a poignancy and sweetness unmatched by his Film God of a predecessor. To clear things up: yes, I saw it on a date. And yes, my date earned triple-digit cool points for not automatically assuming that I'm the type of girl who likes really disgustingly deranged foreign films. He'll figure this out later.


READ ON to discover to awesomely awesome...and awesomely bad....date movies.

Oedipus Sex

So, kiddlings, while we're on the theme of incest...

What's that? Were we not discussing illicit family relations? My mistake. Now we are.

It has come to my attention that two of my new favorite films prompted me to gasp, boggle-eyed and strangely intrigued, "He's putting what, where? That's his sister!"; "She's kissing whom on the what? That's her son!"


    Oscar nom Jacki Weaver really, really enjoys the company of her son in Australian crime thriller "Animal Kingdom."

The Greeks prove once again (though sorry Yorgos; Sophocles got there just a titch before you) that they are the masters of things-that-make-us-go-"ick" in this Best Foreign Film nominee. It's like an episode of "Leave it to Beaver." But then pretend David Lynch got his hands on it and made it really, really disgusting. Perfect. Abhorrent! If nothing else, watch for the deranged "Flashdance" dance sequence at the end.

Really, Superheroes Were Always a British Thing

Ok, ladies and gents, I'm not going to try that hard to pretend that I actually care about things like the casting of the next batch of sure-to-be mediocre comic book adaptations. (And really, what's more offensive than being mediocre? Not much. I'm looking at you, Katherine Heigl.)

But THIS excites me. Mildly. He's British, he's gorgeous, he makes that chin cleft work, and more importantly, he gave me very special feelings in a little gem of a film from 2003 called "I Capture the Castle." You know, the one that also stars that annoying girl from the terrible (save for Diego Luna) sequel to "Dirty Dancing."

Kudos, Hollywood. That's mostly sincere.

The One with the Laminated Lists

While we're on the subject:

The subject is celebrity crushes we'd like to be on.

My last post mentioned my Celebrity Husband, Alan, which reminded me of a fantastic FRIENDS episode, The One with Frank Jr.

Ross: (to Isabella Rossellini) Hi! Hi, I’m Ross, you don’t know me, but I’m a big, big fan of yours. I mean, Blue Velvet, woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering if I could um, maybe buy you a cup of coffee?
Isabella: Aren’t you with that girl over there? (points at Rachel, who waves back)
Ross: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that’s okay, see we have an understanding, um, see we each have this list of five famous people, (gets his out) so I’m allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, it’s flattery.
Isabella: (reading the list) I’m not on the list!
Ross: Um, see, but that’s not the final draft.
Isabella: It’s laminated!
Ross: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on the list but my friend, Chandler (Chandler waves) brought up the very good point that you are international, so I bumped you for Wynona Rider, local.
Isabella: Y'know it’s ironic...
Ross: What?
Isabella: ...because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys and yesterday I bumped you for that guy over there. (points at a guy and leaves)
Ross: (to the rest of the gang) We’re just gonna be friends.

 Laminated List Weigh-Ins

The Foursome 40 Word Reviews: Black Swan

"Recast Winona Ryder's role and Black Swan would be...perfect." - Kevin

"Natalie rubs. Mila twirls. Winona gets plastered. I applaud heartily!" - Jaz

"Vincent Cassel presents: the pleasures and perils of female masturbation." - Jen

"Mesmerizing: attracting and holding interest as if by a spell." - Kelsey