Hobbit Escapes His 20s, Is Still Definitely Not Gay

Approximately 9 months and 30 years ago this very day, a husband and wife with a lovely mix of German, English, Austrian, and Danish ancestry copulated and conceived Hollywood masterpiece Elijah Wood, who today turns old enough to get a real job.

The actor, known for humongous eyes and a role in the misguided family classic "North," has not said what he will do to celebrate, as his private life is very private. But it will definitely not be something gay. Very likely, the star, who has appeared in a Paula Abdul music video and in a film called "Deep Impact," will grab a beer with some guy friends and catch a football game or something, and who knows, maybe even hit on a few chicks.

Happy Birthday, Elijah. Since 30 is known as "gay death," you are ever so fortunate not to be gay.