America's Sweetheart Charlie Sheen Rushed to Hospital, Crowd Gathers With Candles and Flowers

Esteemed actor and People's Prince, Charlie Sheen, was hospitalized Thursday with a tummy-ache. The beloved Emmy-nominated star was saved by a 911 call from an "unidentified" woman who is quickly becoming a national hero. The specific circumstances are a national mystery, except for the presence of several female porn stars and a briefcase full of cocaine. According to Sheen's publicist, the actor has a history of hernia problems, and this is probably most definitely the cause of the pain.

Please keep Mr. Sheen in your prayers.