The Bad and the Beautiful and Kirk Douglas

The 83rd Annual Academy Awards was supposed to be for the pretty kids. The veteran comic talents of Alec Baldwin and Whoopi Goldberg were largely abandoned, to be replaced by the manic-depressive double act of Shining Sexy Movie Stars Anne Hathaway and James Franco.

Look what I can do!

And Anne and James were reliably childlike. She couldn't stop twirling, giggling, smiling, and playing designer dress-up like an overly-agreeable live mannequin. He was mostly concerned with his too-cool-to-care image, which he maintained via his twitter (and his mother and grandmother's twitters), his "I'm hosting the Oscars" backstage documentary, and occasionally, the actual on stage duties of hosting the Oscars ("Congratulations, nerds," he quipped after the technical awards recap). The New York Times described it as Debbie Reynolds hosting with James Dean. Perhaps. But they at least would have made it work, instead of making it look like work.

Thankfully, when the beautiful are bad, the aged get assertive. Enter the Quintet of Oldies who stole the Oscars, after the JUMP!

Aaron Sorkin Wins...Gives Film Spork Staff Hope

I am honored to announce that THE Aaron Sorkin won a bald golden guy statue thing. As none-of-you know he graduated from the same university as our staff at Film Spork. It sorta gives us hope that maybe we can survive long enough on our crappy restaurant income to make/write a movie that means something. Sorkin if you are reading this, please give us jobs, Syracuse University was expensive! Seriously, I'm hungry.

Melissa Leo Wins...

Melissa Leo wins the Best Supporting Actress Oscar! It was probably the support from Film Spork that gave her that extra edge. We like her even better in real life because she swears and steals Kirk Douglas' cane when she walks off stage.

The Oscars so far so good.

So far so good. Anne Hathaway is f-ing killing it. James Franco should have bought better weed. Oh Tom Hanks is coming on right now!

It's Sporklie Time! (Un-American Edition)

Alright, it's time to hand out another mildly highly sought-after Sporklie. This time, let's show some love for those poor, poor films that aren't fortunate enough to have the opportunity to work with Michael Bay, be funded by the Weinstein Brothers, or utilize the undervalued Method skills of Charlie Sheen or Tara Reid. And so I present you/je vous présente/ich stelle dich vor/I представи ви (Bulgarian, duh) with the winner of the Sporklie for Best Foreign Film....AFTER THE JUMP, of course!

A New Era Begins, The Biebs Has Cut His Hair

When you think of Justin Bieber what comes to mind? Smooth vocals, nice clothes, Canada? No, it would be that long and luscious comb forward full of mysterious powers beyond all that we as mere humans understand. But the Biebs has CUT IT ALL OFF! And... Justin Bieber is a boy?

                                         Look at that shine and bounce

You didn't think I would reveal the new haircut right away did you? See it after the jump!

Another Sporklie

The juiciest category in any Oscar season is Best Supporting Actress, where the Academy awards the actress who dismisses "supporting" status and instead steals the show.

The list of winners comprises an Olympus-worthy assortment of Elite Aesthetes, from Meryl Streep to Mo'Nique, who expertly concluded that smaller parts require bigger acting (and a cigarette).

Step Right Up, Sporklie #2 Goes To....

Annnd, ladies and gentlemen, as the proud presenter of the Oscar for most GQ-Worthy Sidekick Sporklie for Best Supporting Actor, I would like to call...

Think you're going to find out that easily, Sporkers? Think again! More after the jump.

The Daily Ryan

Perhaps you are aware that our Ryan is starring in the upcoming super-hero sex flick "The Green Lantern." But did you know that there's also a video game where you can actually be Ryan? And did you know that this video game is called "Green Lantern: Rise of the Manhunters?" YOU CAN BE RYAN REYNOLDS IN GREEN SPANDEX AND HUNT FOR MEN.

Surely the bestest Daily Ryan in several days, or my name's not Kevin Reynolds.

Sadly, it's not.

Yet.

The First Sporklie Spork Award Goes To...

The Sporklie Awards, which hereby commence on this laudable date in time of history and such things, do not exist as a mere echo of critical establishment, nor as a fawning gesture of thin praise, nor as a mockery of film.  A Sporklie is not an Oscar, it is not a Golden Globe, and it is not a Razzie. A Sporklie Spork honors other qualities.  With certainty, yes, a Sporklie upholds Truth, Beauty, Freedom, Love, and the whole Moulin Rouge. But a Sporklie, above all of this, stands for something else: Justice. The Spork is able to slide through the soup of talent and stab that which is juiciest, rescuing it from the stewy bottom and cradling it to the surface, to be devoured with appreciation and glee, for Justice to be Served.

And in the name of Justice, a Sporklie serves the Oscar Snubbed.  Film Spork hereby announces the Sporklie Spork for Leading Actress in a Motion Picture, after the JUMP!