Hollywood Casts Plastic Surgery Holdout Jennifer Garner As Infamous Elderly Spinster Detective Miss Marple

It has been reported that Walt Disney has purchased the rights to Miss Marple, and that they are planning a new film franchise set to star Jennifer Garner, who is 38 years old. Many are calling it a re-invention of the character.  Defenders of the change, while conceding Hollywood's age bias, have even said that the "old lady" version has already been successfully portrayed, and that it's time for a different, even sexier take.

Let me explain why that is wrong. On so many levels. After the jump.

Please, listen to the lovely Miss Marple Theme as you read.

Joan Fontaine & Olivia de Havilland Refuse To Speak To Each Other And/Or Die

Olivia is known to have been an infamous bitch to her lovely sister, but a lovely friend to infamous bitch Bette Davis

The death of a Hollywood legend at this late stage of modern humanity begs the question: who the hell is still ticking? Everyone (or - everyone who matters) knows that Doris Day will outlive the sun, and that Lauren Bacall is murmuring husky voiced nothings to her pet Papillon in some grand Manhattan loft.  But Taylor was merely a sickly mutant '50s screen goddess...what of those '30s divas who have yet to pop their clogs? FAB FEUDS AFTER THE JUMP

Apparently, Lindsay Lohan Has Nothing Better To Do

Sporkers,
The once adorable ginger haired sweetie we all miss from "The Parent Trap" and that movie where Tyra Banks is a doll who becomes human, is making a HUGE life change.

Let ME tell them the good news Tyra!

Find out what after the jump!

Because Jen Will Look Like An Ass If She Doesn't....

RIP, Elizabeth. I won't try to follow my co-bloggers' lovely eulogies, but: May the world never call you "Liz" in earnest again. It may "sound like a hiss," but that that hiss will be remembered as brassy, warm, brazen, Rubenesque and otherworldly, yet never completely untouchable.

Elizabeth Rosemond Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky is Dead.

Elizabeth Taylor, violet eyed and raven haired, descended from the aethers of the universe into the international consciousness in 1944's National Velvet as a young girl who unexpectedly rides a horse to victory. Half a century later, in 1994, she made her final silver screen performance as Fred Flinstone's mother in law. In between she made screen history when allowed to sizzle, in films like Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, A Place in the Sun, and Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.  And yet, Taylor was no Garbo, Davis, or Streep -- her quieter performances tended to bore more than bewitch.

Heaven Has a New Drunken Angel

Dame Elizabeth Taylor died today surrounded by family and friends. She had been suffering from Congestive Heart failure amongst a list of other ailments. She was 79.

Two babes acting in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof."

More of the Dame after the jump...

A Brief History of Homosexual PDAs on the Boob Tube

So Harry Potter finally kissed Chris Colfer on a gleeful little show the children can see (aka a network program!) and the most prominent person to get upset about it is some washed up SNL  crazy married to a fire breathing magician. Indeed, the gay network television kiss is no longer a huge deal. But once upon a time, such a thing took courage and made history, and advertisers got UPSET. So, gay network teevee history after the JUMP!

100th Post Dedicated To Harry Potter

The moment Mrs. Rogers read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone to the class in the 6th grade I was hooked. Now, 13, 12, 11 okay 13 years later, that magic is coming to an end this July and with it millions of childhoods. My innocence and child-like wonder are being shut down tighter than a Gringott's vault. 

If Time Magazine says so, it must be true

More HP after the jump...

Extra! Extra! Another Hot Brit Gets Down With His Bad Self

Dearest Sporkers.  I apologize for the short hiatus. I have been busy taking little children to the ER and listening to 5th grade boys disclose little gems of wisdom that include: "Miley Cyrus. She's barely even an actress. She's really only an ordinary girl, just like you and me." Clearly, he was unimpressed with The Last Song. Kids these days. (Maybe he should join FilmSpork as a guest writer.)

To repent for my absence, I am presenting you with a very special treat of the weird eye-candy variety. (My favorite!) Who else is in love with Aaron Johnson, that fetching young Brit whom I adore for Kick-Ass, and loathe respect entirely for removing himself from the eligibility market with a 43-year-old director?

 

I know, I know. You all just raised your hands. And even better than those lips, folks, is this: Johnson performing a crazy-sexy-joyful, borderline-alarming solo dance along London's Brick Lane to REM's new single "Überlin."

Yes, it's more than slightly reminiscent of the video for Radiohead's "Lotus Flower." But really. Who would you rather watch shake his groove thing? Tiny, creepy (albeit brilliant) elf Thom Yorke? Or the Sex God himself? (All you Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging fans know where it's at.)

 Be sure to watch the moves at 2:22. They may become a new dance party staple.

Gilbert Gottfried Fired For Being A Loudmouth

Over the past week, the islands of Japan have been hit by devastating earthquakes, tidal waves, and radiation. Deaths are already in the hundreds of thousands. Over here in the untouched U.S (except for larger than average waves) folks are taking it upon themselves to exploit this tragedy. There's the crazy christian girl who praised God for giving the Atheists a sign of his existence. Then there is Gilbert Gottfried.

You're my only friend Quackers McDuck

Read what he said after the jump...

Fiery Smart Redhead To Play Opinionated Inarticulate Brunette

Move over Emmy-Award-Winning Tina Fey, there's a new girl playing former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin: Ms. Julianne Moore! HBO is producing a movie revolving around the 2008 presidential election based on the book Game Change.

She needs an Oscar already.

Find out what Film Spork thinks after the jump

Charlie Sheen: Def Jam

Charlie Sheen has been falling into a downward spiral of insanity for the past few months. What makes him gloriously different from other deteriorating celebs is that Charlie Sheen is batsh*t crazy and he KNOWS it.

This is what a warlock looks like

This guy is like these potato stick snacks I had once, sort of repulsive at first but there was something addictive about them and before long the entire bag was gone. I thought it would be fun to create a game ( play below) based on Mr. Ridiculous himself so we can all feel a little bit like Charlie Sheen. Y'know without any of those nasty consequences like getting fired from the sweetest gig on the planet, losing custody of your kids, and believing you're a winner, even though you look like an extra from The Walking Dead.

Create your very own Sheen Rant after the jump...

I {Don't} Heart Huckabee

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee has been caught on record stating that Academy Award winning Harvard graduate Natalie Portman is "glamorizing"  being a smart, successful, and classy woman having babies out of wedlock. Apparently, having a child with someone you love is sending a bad message to all the impressionable young'uns out there.  Natalie had this to say as a response.

Sporkers, Slowly Taking Over The World.

My dearest Sporkers,

It is time that we banded together for something that is close to Film Sporks heart.  Make yourselves comfy and I shall spin you a wondrous tale full of adventure, intrigue, and newspapers.

Apparently this guy can fly

                                 

                               

After the jump of coarse you silly readers...