We at Film Spork have an exclusive breaking update to the Muppet Movie news discussed below.
After lengthy negotiations, including a last minute demand for more money and an insertion of an unprecedentedly raunchy scene involving Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy has agreed to star in the new Muppet adventure set for release this upcoming holiday season.
There was said to be discord stemming from the introduction of a new muppet, "Walter," and the possibility that this could distract viewers from Miss Piggy's starring role.
All talents involved are said to be immensely relieved. As Jason Segel put it, "We just couldn't do it without Miss Piggy." Miss Piggy declined to comment, except to refer us to this vintage video:
We get it.
Monday, January 31, 2011
THIS JUST IN...Muppets!
Holy mother of all that is holy and motherly, there will be a new Muppets out this November! Chris Cooper, Amy Adams, Jason Segel, and a noseless asexual puppet named Walter ( I refuse to call him a Muppet just yet) will star in this powerhouse film.
The brilliant minds behind the Muppets have conjured a story that might as well douse Tregedians in gasoline and set them on fire with shame, it's so brilliant. The plot is complicated so try and keep up: the Muppets must band together once again to save their beloved theater from being destroyed by an oil tycoon (Chris Cooper in probably his most challenging role to date.)
I doubt this can top "Muppet Treasure Island" ( especially my worn out VHS copy with the foamy case) but I will give it a try. If only for the fact that Lady Gaga, Billy Crystal, and Alan Arkin (hear that Kels?) will reside together in a single film. This may be a sign of the apocalypse. I'm ready!
God bless you Jim Henson.
The Heart of John Barry, the British John Williams & Uncredited Composer of 007 Theme, Beats No More
John Barry composed multiple Academy Award winning themes, as well as some of the most moving and memorable film scores of all time. He is beloved by those with superior taste in film, and in his honor the background of Film Spork, like the border of Time Magazine after 9/11, has gone dark.
A selection of his masterpieces, after the jump.
A selection of his masterpieces, after the jump.
Oedipus Sex
So, kiddlings, while we're on the theme of incest...
What's that? Were we not discussing illicit family relations? My mistake. Now we are.
It has come to my attention that two of my new favorite films prompted me to gasp, boggle-eyed and strangely intrigued, "He's putting what, where? That's his sister!"; "She's kissing whom on the what? That's her son!"
Oscar nom Jacki Weaver really, really enjoys the company of her son in Australian crime thriller "Animal Kingdom."
The Greeks prove once again (though sorry Yorgos; Sophocles got there just a titch before you) that they are the masters of things-that-make-us-go-"ick" in this Best Foreign Film nominee. It's like an episode of "Leave it to Beaver." But then pretend David Lynch got his hands on it and made it really, really disgusting.Perfect. Abhorrent! If nothing else, watch for the deranged "Flashdance" dance sequence at the end.
What's that? Were we not discussing illicit family relations? My mistake. Now we are.
It has come to my attention that two of my new favorite films prompted me to gasp, boggle-eyed and strangely intrigued, "He's putting what, where? That's his sister!"; "She's kissing whom on the what? That's her son!"
Oscar nom Jacki Weaver really, really enjoys the company of her son in Australian crime thriller "Animal Kingdom."
The Greeks prove once again (though sorry Yorgos; Sophocles got there just a titch before you) that they are the masters of things-that-make-us-go-"ick" in this Best Foreign Film nominee. It's like an episode of "Leave it to Beaver." But then pretend David Lynch got his hands on it and made it really, really disgusting.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Warner Brothers Births a Star, Bleeds to Death
Why? Why, God, why does the new remake of A Star is Born have to star Beyonce? What is even the point? I want to cry. You have Clint Eastwood, ready to do his thing, not going gently into that good night, and you hand him Beyonce?
I understand the new plot involves the music industry. Fine. That's fine. Awesome. It's a musical. A musical about a fading artist and a young star, one goes up and the other goes down, lots of fun, lots of crying, lots of smashing of bottles of alcohol, lots of Oscar bait. But why Beyonce? Why not....
I understand the new plot involves the music industry. Fine. That's fine. Awesome. It's a musical. A musical about a fading artist and a young star, one goes up and the other goes down, lots of fun, lots of crying, lots of smashing of bottles of alcohol, lots of Oscar bait. But why Beyonce? Why not....
Or...
Betty White Wins Award, Strokes It, Mutters "oooooh"
89 year old dirty minded workaholic Betty White has been awarded, yet again, by the Screen Actors Guild a year AFTER already winning the Lifetime Achievement Award. Do they not realize this woman will probably die on a television set? Like 40 years from now?
Anyway, what she won for and why and whatever isn't as important as what she did upon receiving the statue, which was to stroke it sexually and make little cooing noises. This is why we love Betty White.
Anyway, what she won for and why and whatever isn't as important as what she did upon receiving the statue, which was to stroke it sexually and make little cooing noises. This is why we love Betty White.
Really, Superheroes Were Always a British Thing
Ok, ladies and gents, I'm not going to try that hard to pretend that I actually care about things like the casting of the next batch of sure-to-be mediocre comic book adaptations. (And really, what's more offensive than being mediocre? Not much. I'm looking at you, Katherine Heigl.)
But THIS excites me. Mildly. He's British, he's gorgeous, he makes that chin cleft work, and more importantly, he gave me very special feelings in a little gem of a film from 2003 called "I Capture the Castle." You know, the one that also stars that annoying girl from the terrible (save for Diego Luna) sequel to "Dirty Dancing."
Kudos, Hollywood. That's mostly sincere.
But THIS excites me. Mildly. He's British, he's gorgeous, he makes that chin cleft work, and more importantly, he gave me very special feelings in a little gem of a film from 2003 called "I Capture the Castle." You know, the one that also stars that annoying girl from the terrible (save for Diego Luna) sequel to "Dirty Dancing."
Kudos, Hollywood. That's mostly sincere.
Tweet Tweet Twitter Twatter: Robin Williams is New Batman Villain?
There is this Tweeter-entity who is obsessed, we mean OBSESSED with Batman movies, and this Tweeter-entity did a tweet thingy about Robin Williams playing "Dr. Hugo Strange" (not that we're quite sure who that is, but that's not the point). And this information is viewed as legitimate, even though it's just a twit. A tweet. Just a tweet.
Anyway, ZOMG! Robin Williams and Anne Hathaway almost make up for how annoying Christian Bale can be!
Anyway, ZOMG! Robin Williams and Anne Hathaway almost make up for how annoying Christian Bale can be!
 |
| Robin Williams is known for dividing critics, audiences, and his personality |
We are starting a new religion
Dearest readers,
As a film-maker currently working at a restaurant who once took a class on religion, I feel entitled. So much in fact that I am creating my OWN religion. I shall model it after some western religions that I've heard about from my rambling grandma and that guy who used to hang outside the 'Cuse campus and hold aborted baby signs. So without further ado...
MerylStreepicism is a religion in which its followers worship it's diety and goddess THE Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep is thought to be the greatest mortal ever born. ever. She reached ultimate power/enlightenment while filming "Out of Africa" with Saint Robert Redford. The transcript of the film is used as a worshipping device and guide for newer followers.
More after the jump...
As a film-maker currently working at a restaurant who once took a class on religion, I feel entitled. So much in fact that I am creating my OWN religion. I shall model it after some western religions that I've heard about from my rambling grandma and that guy who used to hang outside the 'Cuse campus and hold aborted baby signs. So without further ado...
MerylStreepicism
More after the jump...
Dames! Dames! Dames!
*BREAKING NEWS* it has been CONFIRMED that DAME JUDI DENCH is IN as M for Bond 23. She joins, obviously, Daniel Craig as "Bond" and Sam Mendes as "Director" and other people probably but none of that really matters now, does it?
Trivia Tidbit: Judi's only child is an actress named "Finty Williams," known mostly for children's audio books and her fabulous mother.
Trivia Tidbit: Judi's only child is an actress named "Finty Williams," known mostly for children's audio books and her fabulous mother.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
The One with the Laminated Lists
While we're on the subject:
The subject is celebrity crushes we'd like to be on.
My last post mentioned my Celebrity Husband, Alan, which reminded me of a fantastic FRIENDS episode, The One with Frank Jr.
Laminated List Weigh-Ins
The subject is celebrity crushes we'd like to be on.
My last post mentioned my Celebrity Husband, Alan, which reminded me of a fantastic FRIENDS episode, The One with Frank Jr.
Ross: (to Isabella Rossellini) Hi! Hi, I’m Ross, you don’t know me, but I’m a big, big fan of yours. I mean, Blue Velvet, woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering if I could um, maybe buy you a cup of coffee?
Isabella: Aren’t you with that girl over there? (points at Rachel, who waves back)
Ross: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that’s okay, see we have an understanding, um, see we each have this list of five famous people, (gets his out) so I’m allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, it’s flattery.
Isabella: (reading the list) I’m not on the list!
Ross: Um, see, but that’s not the final draft.
Isabella: It’s laminated!
Ross: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on the list but my friend, Chandler (Chandler waves) brought up the very good point that you are international, so I bumped you for Wynona Rider, local.
Isabella: Y'know it’s ironic...
Ross: What?
Isabella: ...because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys and yesterday I bumped you for that guy over there. (points at a guy and leaves)
Ross: (to the rest of the gang) We’re just gonna be friends.
Laminated List Weigh-Ins
Marry Me.
You guys don't know me too well yet, so I don't want to frighten you off, but in the interest of film spork introductions, I should introduce you to my husband. (After the jump...)
The Power of Three
The Holy Trinity have teamed up for a new film, penned by Sex and the City scribe Michael Patrick King, giving a behind-the-scenes look at the home shopping network. Who you ask?
After the jump.
After the jump.
Whatever Happened to Don Bluth?
Dear Mr. Bluth,
My name is Jaz and I'm an empty shell of a person. I am incapable of crying except under extreme circumstances. What are these circumstances you may ask? Any movie you've ever had ANYTHING to do with (most especially All Dogs Go to Heaven.) When unimportant things happen like the death of a relative or failure to achieve dreams, I am of coarse dry-eyed. But when your celluloid hits my retinas and Diana Ross belts out songs about dinosaurs "holding on together...," my Grinch-like heart grows in size. Thank You Mr. Bluth, for allowing me to shed my robotic demeanor and really live!
Yours Sincerely,
Jaz
P.S I think things
My name is Jaz and I'm an empty shell of a person. I am incapable of crying except under extreme circumstances. What are these circumstances you may ask? Any movie you've ever had ANYTHING to do with (most especially All Dogs Go to Heaven.) When unimportant things happen like the death of a relative or failure to achieve dreams, I am of coarse dry-eyed. But when your celluloid hits my retinas and Diana Ross belts out songs about dinosaurs "holding on together...," my Grinch-like heart grows in size. Thank You Mr. Bluth, for allowing me to shed my robotic demeanor and really live!
Yours Sincerely,
Jaz
Feared American Deity, President Picker, and Oscar Loser Is a Little Older Now
Oprah Winfrey turns 57 continues Her immortal reign over Her American Kingdom today, as well as celebrates Her royal Day of Birth, as a Mississippi Love Child and Future Queen Goddess. As part of your Jubilee celebrations and Harpo Worship traditions, please enjoy (after the hop) these precious photos of Her Royal Most High Being posing and acting, accompanied by Royal Minstrel Fake Diana Ross, who shall Present Her Royal Birthday Dedication.
 |
| On your unworthy knees, serf. |
The Foursome 40 Word Reviews: Black Swan
"Recast Winona Ryder's role and Black Swan would be...perfect." - Kevin
"Natalie rubs. Mila twirls. Winona gets plastered. I applaud heartily!" - Jaz
"Vincent Cassel presents: the pleasures and perils of female masturbation." - Jen
"Mesmerizing: attracting and holding interest as if by a spell." - Kelsey
Free tickets!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Public Intellectual Tracy Morgan Muses on the Uses of Former Governor Sarah Palin
NO KIDS! NO KIDS MAY ENTER! They don't even know what these big words MEAN!
After the jump.
After the jump.
Mel Gibson's Beaver is Missing!
So Mel Gibson had a studio DVD of his "Beaver" movie, directed by his only friend Jodie Foster, stolen from his mailbox awaiting its return to Summit Entertainment! OMG! Does it even matter? It was probably some conniving...
 |
| Where's my Beaver?! |
Friday Film Hunk Fetish Guessing Game!
So it's Friday, the day we all believe in God. And that means it's our Friday Film Hunk Fetish Guessing Game! You mean you've never heard of it? That's because this is the first one, and we're the first ones to come up with it, as far as we know, because we're awesome. Here's how it works. We'll post a part of a Film Hunk's hot bod. It could be any part, except SOME parts. We're not THAT kind of blog. But we do like sexy screen men here at Film Spork. Anyway, you get one guess in the comment section for who's bod it is. First one to guess correctly WINS. Wins what, you ask? You win the opportunity to pick the next week's hunk!
Ready...here we go...after the JUMP!
Ready...here we go...after the JUMP!
Band Debuts Album, Kevin Really Likes It, Gives Them Free Advertising
Listen to them HERE.
(They're really good, they're called The Family Crest.)
(They're from San Francisco, like Nancy Pelosi, the Tanners, and Tony Bennett's heart.)
(Sometimes they sing in French, but so does Lady Gaga.)
(This is not just so I can add that Amazon feature and make money through product referrals.)
(Maybe I should do that, I have no money.)
(They're really good, they're called The Family Crest.)
(They're from San Francisco, like Nancy Pelosi, the Tanners, and Tony Bennett's heart.)
(Sometimes they sing in French, but so does Lady Gaga.)
(This is not just so I can add that Amazon feature and make money through product referrals.)
(Maybe I should do that, I have no money.)
Hobbit Escapes His 20s, Is Still Definitely Not Gay
Approximately 9 months and 30 years ago this very day, a husband and wife with a lovely mix of German, English, Austrian, and Danish ancestry copulated and conceived Hollywood masterpiece Elijah Wood, who today turns old enough to get a real job.
The actor, known for humongous eyes and a role in the misguided family classic "North," has not said what he will do to celebrate, as his private life is very private. But it will definitely not be something gay. Very likely, the star, who has appeared in a Paula Abdul music video and in a film called "Deep Impact," will grab a beer with some guy friends and catch a football game or something, and who knows, maybe even hit on a few chicks.
Happy Birthday, Elijah. Since 30 is known as "gay death," you are ever so fortunate not to be gay.
The actor, known for humongous eyes and a role in the misguided family classic "North," has not said what he will do to celebrate, as his private life is very private. But it will definitely not be something gay. Very likely, the star, who has appeared in a Paula Abdul music video and in a film called "Deep Impact," will grab a beer with some guy friends and catch a football game or something, and who knows, maybe even hit on a few chicks.
Happy Birthday, Elijah. Since 30 is known as "gay death," you are ever so fortunate not to be gay.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
America's Sweetheart Charlie Sheen Rushed to Hospital, Crowd Gathers With Candles and Flowers
Esteemed actor and People's Prince, Charlie Sheen, was hospitalized Thursday with a tummy-ache. The beloved Emmy-nominated star was saved by a 911 call from an "unidentified" woman who is quickly becoming a national hero. The specific circumstances are a national mystery, except for the presence of several female porn stars and a briefcase full of cocaine. According to Sheen's publicist, the actor has a history of hernia problems, and this is probably most definitely the cause of the pain.
Please keep Mr. Sheen in your prayers.
Please keep Mr. Sheen in your prayers.
"Unstoppable" Nominated for Sound Editing, But Dreams of Sound Mixing Nod are Squashed
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences pulled a fast one this week when "Unstoppable" nabbed a nomination for sound editing, but not sound mixing. Many critics and audiences expressed surprise that the film, which is about a really loud train, was given Oscar attention for the editing of the sound of the loud train, but not the mixing of it.
Other nominees for sound editing included Richard King ("Inception"), Tom Myers and Michael Silvers ("Toy Story 3"), Gwendolyn Yates Whittle and Addison Teague ("Tron"), and Skip Lievsay and Craig Berkey ("True Grit"). While the race is tight, it is widely assumed that Gwendolyn Yates Whittle and Addison Teague are total hipsters.
Other nominees for sound editing included Richard King ("Inception"), Tom Myers and Michael Silvers ("Toy Story 3"), Gwendolyn Yates Whittle and Addison Teague ("Tron"), and Skip Lievsay and Craig Berkey ("True Grit"). While the race is tight, it is widely assumed that Gwendolyn Yates Whittle and Addison Teague are total hipsters.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)